Thursday, January 13, 2000
or... "The Relationships, Partnerships, and Intimacy of Staying Afloat"
Unlike the folks who live in urban areas, most rural folks know their neighbors. That's not to say, in any particular situation that they may like their neighbors, but they know who they are, probably know if they're married, have children, and what church they attend. With many rural neighbors, there's an unspoken "code of honor" that will bring them to your assistance (or you to theirs) in times of great need. When we see a news broadcast of a group of neighbors getting together to help one of "their own" get through harvest because of serious illness, most of us will simply think "That's the way it's supposed to be," and go on with whatever we were doing. When tragedy strikes nearby and the rural community gathers to help, it is because that's they way it's supposed to be.
In order to "live well" once the choice is made to stay rural, to stay rooted to the land, building "community" amongst neighbors and friends becomes, or should become, a prime directive. None of us can truly stand alone and all of us are dependent upon someone else for part of what and who we are. That's a given. But developing "community" amongst neighbors is a skill often left untapped by most of us. As an example, Kathy and I have moved more times than years since 1988. In the majority of places we've lived, we've been able to establish some sense of community and in those where it simply couldn't be had, it didn't take long to move on. When coming to where we are now, again because of work, it was from one of those places that had no sense of community to a place where community is a living, breathing entity! What a thrill for us both to have neighbors who, perhaps initially out of curiosity, called to welcome us and during the overwhelming Winter of '97, reached out to assist! There has never been a demand for reciprocity or any "keeping tally" on who helps whom when or how. It's just done because that's the way it's supposed to be done.
When heading to the barn to do chores, it's become habit to scan the horizon. Not just because to a "Flatlander" like myself it's considered always a sight to behold, but because it's the best way to make sure that nothing is obviously amiss with the neighbors! Our inordinately dry Fall and Winter has caused great concern about fire, especially for those of us who live near the James River bottoms where reeds, tall grass, and underbrush is tinder dry. So, we keep vigil and are thankful when there's no smoke anywhere on the horizon. We are also fortunate to have a top-notch volunteer fire department and know everyone by name, occupation, and often by what brand of beer he or she prefers! That's a relationship that might be called on to save my life someday, so I would consider it an important one!
For those of us that have chronologically hit the half-century mark, the realization that life is too short comes fully to bear. Life is too short for petty conflict, too short for unresolved anger, too short wasting energy with that "having to be more than" attitude. We all may define ourselves by what we do, but few of us would define ourselves by whom we help, even if the helping of others equates to the helping of ourselves. One way or another, the "taking" is always balanced by the "giving." That's the way it's supposed to be.
Leo Buscalia, a self-help "guru" from the early 80's once said that we can't survive without at least four hugs a day. I think I have always agreed with that premise, although I don't think it matters where the hugs come from… a beloved pet, a cherished friend, our children or grand-children, our husbands (oops, we can't count that one!!) wives (can't count that one either!!) or lovers (nope, not that one either!!), or the critters we care for on a daily basis. You don't think a critter can hug? Never been hugged by a critter? Then you've never given them or you a chance to express that need for physical contact, which for all animals, ourselves included, is the most primal and basic method of communication. With communication comes the sense of community… belonging, worth, value, esteem, and connection. Leo Buscalia, a self-help "guru" from the early 80's once said that we can't survive without at least four hugs a day. I think I have always agreed with that premise, although I don't think it matters where the hugs come from… a beloved pet, a cherished friend, our children or grand-children, our husbands (oops, we can't count that one!!) wives (can't count that one either!!) or lovers (nope, not that one either!!), or the critters we care for on a daily basis. You don't think a critter can hug? Never been hugged by a critter? Then you've never given them or you a chance to express that need for physical contact, which for all animals, ourselves included, is the most primal and basic method of communication. With communication comes the sense of community… belonging, worth, value, esteem, and connection.
I waited anxiously one storming Winter night, not so many years ago, for a trucker to arrive to pick up a mare I had sold to a client in TX. He had called, twice, to let me know where he was in route so that I would know his approximate time of arrival. The weather worsened, as did my fears that the lengthening delay of his arrival meant a possible accident (especially when hours passed by) or at the very least, an even longer delay for shipping the mare South. When he called a third time, his "This is Clyde…" was greeted with an un-thought out "Where the Hell are you!? Are you alright!?" to which he graciously laughed and said "About 20 minutes out." When he did pull into the yard, I walked to him, presumably to shake his hand in greeting, but instead was the recipient of a wonderful bear-hug! No, we had never met before that night, but it began a long-standing friendship. We don't see each other very often and more than a year might pass between contact, but when we do get together, it's like a family reunion! Do I recommend hugging the trucker that picks up your livestock or grain? Probably not… but what's the harm in offering a cup of coffee or being cordial? None. And, it might just be enough to make a huge difference for you both in how you view the rest of your day.
Without good friends and neighbors, life on the farm would be dreadfully lonely and accomplishment would mean little. For us, being "unattached" and disabled women, the connection of our friends and neighbors has become a lifeline. I know that if I run into trouble that I can make a quick phone call and help will be on the way. My friends and neighbors know, too, that all they have to do is call and I'll be there for them. That's the way it's supposed to be.
Until next time!
Linda
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